Why Do Women Actually Feel Unworthy After A Heartbreak?

 

If you are a middle-aged woman experiencing yet another heartbreak, the pain cuts deep, leaving you feeling inadequate. You agonize over what flaw caused your partner to leave, wondering why you were not enough to make him stay, choose you. With each painful heartbreak, your self-worth erodes further, and the perceived failure to make love last delivers a crushing hit to your core. Before long, you are believing the lies that you are unworthy, unwanted, and unlovable. I know that hurting place all too well when you believe that your entire worth is tied to your marital or relationship status. 

Please know that you are not alone, and this is not your fault. Countless women feel the same way because we are more susceptible to feelings of unworthiness and self-blame after a split. This is due to our emotional wiring and societal conditioning hammered into us since childhood. We are taught that our primary value lies in being chosen by a man. From fairytales to rom coms, the theme rings clear: the beautiful maiden is only complete when the prince proclaims his undying love. We absorb the idea that we are deficient creatures, not whole unless half of a pair. So, when a major relationship dissolves, it is not just our hearts that ache - our very sense of self is rocked. If the man we loved and built a life around has rejected us, we must be unworthy. Not pretty, sexy, fun, or good enough to earn true love. In this article, you will learn the three key aspects of how this conditioning manifests in your relationships and learn effective strategies to ensure it never occurs again.

1. The shadow identity. 

The first problem is the concept of shadow identity. Without your partner, you cease to have a distinct presence of your own. Your identity becomes intertwined with your relationship, partner, and shared life, resulting in a lack of individuality. Your sense of self is essentially a product of the person you are dating. Consider the example of the “Runaway Bride” who famously left her fiancés at the altar on their wedding day. This act was, in truth, an expression of an identity crisis—a desperate cry for not being true to her core self. This is evident from the fact that she didn't even know her personal preferences, such as how she liked her eggs prepared. Unconsciously, she assumed her preferences aligned with those of her partners, resulting in scrambled eggs with the priest and fried eggs with the deadhead.

How can you find yourself? Finding your true identity involves embarking on a journey of self-discovery and self-introspection. One way to achieve this is by practicing self-dating. Think of it as dating yourself - taking yourself out with the same presence and care you would show a new partner. Consciously curating date nights with yourself on a weekly basis to build a strong connection with yourself, foster self-intimacy, and make space to listen to your deepest needs and emotions with curiosity and love. Through this process, you will reconnect to who you truly are and finally experience a sense of being truly seen, heard, and understood - by yourself. 

Octavia's story exemplifies the pain of tying self-worth and identity to relationship status. She believed her ex-husband was her soul mate and invested everything in their relationship, considering it a core part of her identity. Their separation left her devastated, as she had made sacrifices despite his infidelity. But the news of her ex remarrying and having a newborn was the straw that destroyed her because during their marriage, family (children) was an unspoken sacrifice, a yearning she had buried to keep him. Now, it stood as a stark reminder of her silent heartbreak. Octavia struggled to move on, feeling defective, unwanted, and unworthy. These thoughts led her to contemplate ending her own life, convinced she would never find love or feel whole again.

On our first call she realized how deeply she had relied on her marital status to define herself. She gradually let go of this tight grip, understanding that her value extended far beyond any labels or lost relationships. Wounded but not broken, she faced the truth. I proposed a daring challenge: a series of solo dates designed to reignite her inner fire. It was time to unearth the forgotten treasures buried beneath the weight of hurt, to shed the protective layers and reconnect with the essence that made her unique. Octavia was excited because she realized that dating herself was the first step towards reclaiming her identity and embracing her wholeness.

Today, she is happily married and welcomed a son whom she adores. She recognizes that her painful journey led her to the most significant revelation: her worth remains unshakable, regardless of life's inevitable losses. She rose from heartbreak to ecstasy, claiming not only the life she craved, but two promotions, fueled by unyielding self-trust and newfound bliss.

2. Love toxicity.

I have been where you are, and I know what it is like to internalize the way we are treated. To see each abuse as a reflection of love, of our own value. This brings us to our second problem: the concept of love toxicity. Love should not come with a price tag of pain. It is time to shatter the illusion that abuse and love are somehow intertwined. Deep down, the fear of rejection and feeling "not enough" make us cling to unhealthy relationships, mistaking manipulation for affection. But remember, you are worthy of love, just as you are. No external validation can define your inherent right to exist, to love, and to be loved.

You must heal your attachment wounds, so you can stand in your truth and power. The Mirror Exercise is a powerful tool to do since it helps you connect with your wounded self and inner child. It allows you to understand your deepest needs and provide the love and care you may have been seeking from others. Cultivating inner security is the foundation for healthier attachments and relationships. By embracing your true self, you create a space for genuine connection and love to blossom. Remember, healing is a personal journey, and it starts with accepting and nurturing all parts of you.

Saskia’s journey serves as a vivid illustration of love toxicity. Entangled in an abusive marriage, she unknowingly linked her sense of identity and self-worth to the notion that enduring mistreatment was the sole path to obtaining love and validating her own worth. She faced emotional, physical, and financial abuse from both her husband and controlling mother-in-law, with whom she resided. Cut off from family support and isolated in a foreign country, she bore the consequences of the abuse, even during her pregnancy, endangering both her own life and that of her unborn child. 

On our call together, she acknowledged that she had internalized a perilous misconception – the belief that enduring abuse was a prerequisite to "earn" love. Yes, she convinced herself that remaining in the abusive relationship would grant her the love she desperately craved, which would mean she matters. Saskia realized that she had betrayed her innermost self by accepting this counterfeit love.

I suggested she heals her attachment wounds with the Mirror Exercise. She would stand in front of her mirror twice a day to allow her wounded self and inner self the opportunity to voice their pain, so she can listen to them and create a space for healing and self-validation. By curating to her different selves, she was able to rewrite her beliefs about love and abuse while building a more secure attachment style. As a result, she mustered the courage to stand up for herself by saying enough is enough while reinforcing her boundaries. Believing in her worth empowered her to leave her abuser and pursue an IT certification with limited English. Though the road to freedom was difficult, she persevered. Now, living on her own terms, she has found deep fulfillment and joy. With a thriving career in IT that pays very well, financial security, and a home of her own, she has taken control of her life. 

Looking ahead, she plans to visit her homeland soon with her son, who is her world. By tending to her inner wounds and pursuing her goals and passions, she has transitioned from pain to empowerment. Through her resilience and belief in herself, she severed the ties that bound her worth to abuse, understanding that abuse is not synonymous with love, but rather a distorted imitation.

3. Sex as a currency for love.

The third problem is using sex as a currency for love. You believe that as a woman, the only way to receive love and acceptance is by engaging in sex with your partner. You have the firm conviction that giving yourself physically is the sole method of demonstrating your love and proving the significance of the relationship. Love becomes synonymous with the exchange of your body and intimate encounters. However, it is important to acknowledge that your worth is not defined by your willingness to engage in intimate acts with your partner.

To address the issue of equating love solely with physical intimacy, you must recognize that true love goes beyond the physical and is built on emotional connection, trust, and shared experiences. By valuing and nurturing these aspects of love, you can create a relationship that is fulfilling and meaningful, where you feel truly seen and appreciated for who you are, rather than your intimate escapades.

To liberate yourself from this cycle, it is necessary to embark on a dating fast. During this period, turn inward, remove distractions, confront past hurts, and address emotional baggage that perpetuates the belief that love can only be attained by giving away your body. A dating fast is a means to heal your fear of intimacy, which is at the root of your behavior. By consistently and unconsciously choosing the same type of men to validate your beliefs and then engaging in sex and self-sabotage, you perpetuate the cycle and avoid true intimacy with yourself and men. By shielding your heart due to the fear of being hurt, you unintentionally inflict pain upon yourself. The dating fast serves as a sabbatical, during which you pause dating and refrain from being intimate with both new and past partners. This dedicated period allows you to process and heal, ultimately breaking down the walls around your heart.

Celeste is a great example of using sex as a form of currency in the pursuit of love. She confined her understanding of love solely to physical interactions, firmly believing that sex served as a love balance. As a result, she continually turned to sex in her quest for love, seeking the approval and commitment of men, all in the hopes of being the chosen one. Each failed relationship, driven by the use of her body to seek love and acceptance, only intensified her feelings of unworthiness. When I confronted her with her truth and held a mirror up to her face, it eventually dawned on her that she had linked her sense of self to the act of sex, which led people to use her without appreciating her, making real intimacy impossible. 

She bravely took a break from dating to heal her emotional wounds. This sabbatical allowed her to see that sex is not love. She embarked on the journey of befriending herself and her body, valuing her entirety rather than using it as a bargaining tool for love. This newfound care and reverence transformed her relationship with herself and with men. As she embraced her limits, acknowledged her multifaceted nature, honored her life's journey, and felt at ease in her own being, she unlocked a profound acceptance of herself. Even though she is still searching for her lifelong partner, she is happier than ever with herself, her body, her career, and her relationships. 

In conclusion, we often mistake codependency for passion, abuse for affection, and physical intimacy for love. This tangled web of distorted perceptions leads to toxic relationships and emotional pain. But it is never too late to untangle yourself! Redefine love, heal, and reconnect to your essence through solo dates, the mirror exercise, and a dating fast. 

I have been where you are, and I know that there is a happier life ahead of you…If you would like some free customized guidance… feel free to book a 30-minute call with me directly. Book here.

Share your perspective in the comments on how you plan to let go of your baggage and find your true self. I am here to support you. 

Lastly, no woman walks this path alone. Share this article with the women in your circle and let us create a safe space for healing and self-reconnection.